“Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” – Mike Tyson
I recently participated in the Rock N’ RollMan Duathlon and experienced my first DNF (Did Not Finish). Yes, I dropped out of a race for the first time as a duathlete and a runner. I'd rather not dwell on this for too long but I also haven’t quite figured out how to process the emotions so I figured writing it all down would help and allow me to move forward.
The DNF is the dreaded end result where the race doesn’t go your way for any number of reasons. I always imagined that my first DNF would result from some horrific bike accident or running injury. I always took a lot of pride in finishing every race that I started. I had hoped never to have to drop out of a race. In 7 years of running and racing, I've never taken a DNF. Until this past weekend, I had completed around 130 different races, including 22 duathlons, and never, NEVER dropped out, despite fighting through pain, fatigue, or extreme weather conditions. I completed the 2019 USAT Duathlon National Championships during a storm with heavy rains and 35mph winds. Heck, I even finished the Chattahoochee Challenge Half Iron Duathlon in 2018, which was a 3.1-mile run, 56-mile bike ride, and 13.1-mile run so the 3.1-mile, 24-mile bike ride, 6.2-mile run of the Rock N’ RollMan Duathlon should have been a piece of cake. That obviously was not the case. So, what happened?
Long story short, I just was not ready for this race. Truth be told, I was not MENTALLY ready for this race. The month of September was not the best for me and that is saying a lot given everything that has happened in 2020. Instead of celebrating my 49th birthday on September 1st, I was planning memorial services for a beloved family member who passed the day before from COVID-19. The rest of my month was occupied with taking care of family affairs in addition to my full-time job and being a concern parent, whose child just started college during a pandemic. Dealing with all that on top of months of uncertainty, stress, and isolation because of the global coronavirus pandemic had finally gotten to me a bit. I don’t want to say I was depressed because I don’t want to take away from or offend people who are actually dealing with depression, but I was feeling down. I was feeling frustrated. I was feeling a bit hopeless. I signed up for this race at the end of September hoping that it would get my mind off all of that was going on in my life. While I was ready physically, I was nowhere near ready mentally or emotionally. The result was a DNF.
It is hard to take a DNF. A DNF can be difficult to overcome, especially after spending weeks or months preparing for a race. It stings. And to be honest, what happened shook my confidence a bit. However, I reminded myself of all that I have accomplished already. The embarrassment of not finishing a race is a new feeling to me but it has also ignited a whole other level of motivation. So, I’m taking that DNF and owning it and learning from it to grow into a better, faster, stronger, and smarter duathlete.
At the end of the day, I have no regrets about my decision to DNF but that doesn't mean I'm not sad about it. I will survive and move on from the DNF. There will always be another race. I did not cross the finish line but not doing so does not define me. It was one day and one race that ended in a way I didn’t want it to. I have to stay true to my goals, which are always to finish and to have fun doing so.